These feelings won't go away
They are stuck with me for the rest of my life.

I was settling down, didn't think we would part, because you told me I was perfect for you.

But your actions were telling me I wasn't, I wasn't good enough. You were suffocating and I wasn't helping. But you wouldn't talk about it. I want to talk about it.

I was always working on it. But no one was giving me a direction.

I might not be the best listener in love. We both aren't.

Kinda blame you kinda don't?

Because I wasn't there for your CNY, Christmas, Valentines, and god knows what else.

You might be upset too, maybe not as much as me as we always knew, it was an imbalance relationship.

Trust tho, what's trust. If you wont show your heart, how do I trust.

But this is the result of that mild trusting too. But if you can imagine if I was fully believing in us, that insufferable pain?

Why. When I assumed and confronted, and you denied on the possibilities. That you haven't settled down, that you, can't control yourself if I weren't around. That you might need me in the presence. That you only needed a pillow so you sleep in comfort.

Why. You popped out from nowhere again and tell me, you think you haven't settled down. You are born a flirt. You can't change the way you talk. You will hurt me regardless and that's the least you want for me.

And that you have a mind on this for a long time.

And I knew.

That when you weren't as committed anymore.

When you didn't want to Skype/call. When you said there was no need for it. There's nothing to talk about.


But you were still there. Then you told me it was a repay, for what I did for you at your darkest.

But did I stay, for one day you will repay? Or did I stay, just because I wanted to stay with you?
Or did I stay, for one day you will never leave.


I hope for a better you, and you fixed yourself. For which I couldn't help.

Your eyes have been turning away from mine
Your phone gets them instead
We used to smile all the time
Now your scowl shuts me down instead

Now you won’t ever call
Why do you lie about the little things
You know they hurt me more anything

Now I’m staring at these walls
It’s better than waiting for your calls
Cause I know they will never come

And oh, lets let go
If we hold on any longer
We’ll drown in endless waters

And oh, we both know
We won’t float much longer
We’ll drown in endless waters

Your eyes have been turning away from mine
She has them instead
But I won’t say anything this time
Cause I know I’ll mess things up again

Hello.

I'm back to talking to myself now.

I have graduated, from UQ. This year has been more than difficult, it was absolutely suffocating.
It was all down down down, and down. The betters were just a day without events.

I did my research at PEF. It was stressful, I have developed depression from it.
I cried, I wanted to run. I even had suicidal idealism.
- But everything was much easier when I see him. -

The program finished, I decided to come back to Singapore to be with my family.
I have definitely questioned my own decision, I do not have my own room in here nor a bed.
My mum had to buy a new wardrobe so I have a personal space, which is all I have.
But I do not regret, my family is giving me so much.
All I can return is my company.

But he gave up.
He questioned the need of my non-existing existence by his side all the way across the globe. A hardship every relationship faces.
Trust, time, company, commitment //
He's pointed a few things about it.
1. Incompetency - he isn't my ideal type and probably will never be. He cannot promise me what I want, which will make me more upset.
2. Distance
3. Future - when is the next time he is going to see me? Where will we be after this?

I could have so many arguments to carry out, but I don't think any words can describe the feeling of knowing someone is contemplating to crush what you have appreciated so much?

The moment I gave my trust I did think that these seeking and adapting could stop.

Guess it's another beginning now.

来 写 了

haven't written in a long time yo



changed new phone and lost some files but tried my best to retrieve them
though i wont feel as bad as last time when i was so single minded on getting all the stuffs with me
then being very negative when I can't get it lol
I guess I'm too lazy for negative feelings now



Brisbane life has been alright, not the best but not the worst too,
I'm trying out new things that you wouldn't even imagine me for doing
For example a competition like shark tank lmao
It wasn't my intention in the first place but Khadeja wanna give it a go and she was like, what could you lose? and I was like yea right true, i don't know single person here why am I shy or afraid to stand on stage.
So I am in, lol.



Also, my first research project!!
Been sending emails to professors for almost a month, only received 1 or 2 replies saying nah, sorry
and all my friends had found at least one
thats when I get anxious and thinking the one that I got must be destined for me
and then I emailed Prof Linda Lua while Adil and Jye were telling me she didn't reply them so I didnt get my hopes up and moved on to email others
DENG DENG DENG DENG she replied me and referred me to her peer and thats how I landed my first project YAY



Not sure what my role would be cus its a new project that's not established yet
Also my supervisor wants my full time from November to next July! FULL TIME! Means Monday to Friday 9 -5 ! gggggg
no holiday no sleep in no flying to melbourne sg kl anymore 😭 
whats good is that he wants me to publish a paper, and we all know what it means for a scientist 😏 
And it is a good opportunity for my resume as well lah, the lab would probably just hire me since I will be with them from the start of the project, hiring me in obviously better than getting in someone new and training them from the start yeah? 😘



LDR isn't too bad for us too cus he's been trying best to visit me at every possible chance



Sorry if my existence would have bothered you, I'll try to make myself disappear from both of your eyesights.

All the thoughts is making me so tired

 I'm not sure if you're reading this. But I guess I can wish you happy now...even though I've struggled for days since I found out. The feeling is complicated, even I don't understand so it's better that I don't respond to it...

Sometimes I hate Facebook so much, I hate looking back the old photos, old posts.. like all the people that I was so close to before and now they're gone. Like I hate having those memories
It makes me smile - then mourn for all the pasts. We can't go back anymore, even if I like the moments so much

happy birthday, and stay happy. xoxo

好老了